no title to this

"We don’t understand why you are upset. If you decide to change your mind, let us know"…  

It really does feel great to not be dealing with them. For years now, they’ve been extremely manipulative and hurtful. Their sick mind games have always left me feeling as though I was the wrong one, the problem, the idiot so to speak. Their horrible favoritism for “things” so blatantly in my face has always made me feel so lame for not reacting. Everyone sees it. Everyone knows it. And everyone probably secretly wonders why I take it. Well, I’m not. And it feels great. It feels powerful to have taken charge of my feelings and life and how I deal with them. I’m no longer bungee corded to their whims of emotion. I don’t have to let them puppet string me into whatever way they want me to act or feel about something. I get to act and feel how I want. I’m a good person and I need no lessons in how to act ridiculously horrible. I also don’t have to deal with how unbelievably unsupportive they are of me. This is the best part. See, I never realized this before, but there is a huge difference between being unsupportive and not being a part of the “portive” structure in the first place. SUPportive, we all know and want. Supportive is happy. Supportive makes perfect sense and doesn’t need further explanation. UNSUPportive also speaks for itself. Its dark. Its painful sometimes but without it, we would all be flailing about like 2 year olds. It keeps a balance to the world. It steers us towards the right and away from the wrong. (most of the time) But not even being portive…this is something I have control over. I make the rules on who is even allowed in the circle of portive. I decide how I feel about these people. To put it another way, people that don’t even matter to me really aren’t portive because even if they do have an opinion, it doesnt’ hold much weight. We don’t make decisions based on what people outside the circle of portive want because their feelings and opinions do not matter. Now this does not mean that any time someone doesn’t support your views you should remove them from the circle. That’s a dangerous move that can launch you into a world much like Britney Spears. Not good. But people that become rather toxic inside the circle, that fester in there, and thrive on bad behavior, these people can sometimes do with a launching well outside the circle. So unsupportive vs. not even portive. I never realized the difference before. But wow. What a huge difference it is. What a great lesson. Someday they may make it back into the circle of portive, but I’ll expect far more begging and probably a little bribery before we get there.  
my family..

transparency through this opaque world..!

we are not just black or white; often, we are shades of gray. We can not just be one thing or the other. Often, we are both.

Dynamic, evolving… that’s what we humans are. Never static, never the same. Like clouds, we continually move across the continuum that is our life.

Definitely, we are not just a single snapshot. Not even a series of snapshots. But most people think we are. How many times have we heard the comment, “You’ve changed!” with a tinge of surprise as if we were supposed to stay the same forever?

Indeed, it would be great if we were gifted with the ability to see each of us as we really are; to understand our depths, to appreciate both what is inside and outside of each of us.

But humans have limitations. They only see what they want to see. Sometimes, they just see the good. At other times, only the bad. Often, they do not see both. And, on rare occasions that they do, they find it hard to understand the tangled dichotomies that make up each person.

Humans are multi-faceted, multi-dimensional, but with very limited view of the things around them. Often, they do not see the whole picture, and cannot dig deep to fathom what’s inside other people. They see only what they want to see, or what they think they are seeing. Unfortunately, too, they are quick to make conclusions based solely on their perceptions, which are very limited to begin with. So they see others as all-beautiful or all-good, then be shocked to find later on that the others too have weaknesses of their own. The reverse is also true. Sometimes, people are sure that one is bad through and through, not knowing that that person is simply misunderstood.

If only everyone could look at a single thing and be able to look at it in its entirety and view it from every angle possible, then what a better existence we would have. And if only we try to understand every aspect of a thing first, before we make conclusions, then how much easier life on earth would be..!

what sweeter reVenge thAn forgiveness..!

to forgive someone doesn't mean condoning their actions. it just means absolving yourself of the Hurt and pain and getting back control over your life and emotions..!

forgiveness is in fact the sweetest form of rEvenGe !

you don't forgive for another; you do it for yourself..to come to terms with emotions and to attempt a closure on an episode that refuses to let go of you..!

forgiving someone is the best way of stepping neatly out of that time zone and ensuring that " tHEy ", rather than you, suffer the fall-out of the episode..!

" Forgiving is not forgetting, and neither should it be. because if we forget, we open ourselves again to same kind of hurt "

sTep BacK & viEw..!

when the world closes in on u and ur head seems ready to burst, are u the type who caves in ? are u the kind of person who fights back ferociously, blindly striking out in all directions ? or, do u strategise, step back and wait for ur part of the world to set itself right again ?

 

The pain of a moment, though deadening in its intensity, is but one blip when viewed on the larger canvas of LifE..!

Distances end up taking so much of us.... we want it or we don't. At the end of the day we might sit up in our bed alone, thinking about how life has shaped up, thinking what gave direction to the day that just swept away. But the crux remains.

It is not the miles that separate us, the moments do it all the more. More than what we thought they even could. It is only when our heart wishes to relive the moments, we realise the intensity of the the distances that separate us. "Mental or physical".. Immaterial. 

What matters more is the fact that the moments face the brunt of the life that we have lived.
 

The moments cry for all the disputes that remained unsolved..!

“I am a part of all that I have met.” As time goes on, all of these new dots ( people ) keep popping up into this matrix of my life. Some people start out on the fringes, and slowly work their way towards the center, becoming more and more influential, not in a direct and obnoxious way, but just in the way that everybody makes a million tiny adjustments in their behavior when we spend time with someone. 
Other people, those rare individuals, simply pop up and immediately they are integral, in a way you can’t describe very well, but in a way you simply know. One’s not better than the other, they simply exert influence in a different way.

Everyone I have met has left a part of themselves in me; their voices are in my head, though I can’t tell them apart. 

The I of myself is unique.I am not only part of all that I have met; everything I have met is a part of me, and in that neverending and unknowable process of social alchemy, I am formed in every moment of every day..!

mE and my goodbye'S !

In my experiences with “goodbyes,” I have accepted a definition in understanding the reason for goodbyes. Goodbyes are endings to new beginnings.From the moment we let go of a person or event and say “farewell,” a second later, we are thinking differently or making different plans that are new to our lives.I begin to question why it is hard to say “goodbye” knowing in my mind that new life experiences will be the result.

Often times the newness is good and beneficial. I think that maybe it is hard to say goodbye because I’m a creature of habit. So, as it is hard to break a habit, it is hard to say goodbye to the “normal” or expected. My life has changed so much already, as a result, of many goodbyes, and as I look back, I do not regret any of my choices. 

I should think more about the new choices more then the goodbye itself. I’m a stronger person because of my ability to build from my choices. 

I’m beginning to understand the it is not the various choices I could have made, but the choices I am making from my “goodbyes” that mean more to my life. today I look in the mirror…I am happy, and I am not lonely..!

Are you angry? Punch a pillow. Was it satisfying? What you might try is stabbing. Take an old pillow and lay it on the front lawn. Stab it with a big pointy knife. Again and again and again.

Stab hard enough for the point of the knife to go into the ground. Stab until the pillow is gone and you are just stabbing the earth again and again, as if you want to kill it for continuing to spin, as if you are getting revenge for having to live on this planet day after day.

It's so mundane and you're jaded. You wake up to eventually go back to sleep. The in betweens aren't any different either. It only takes one to actually embrace the fact that this cycle is ever long.

But you see, this is life. This is how things are meant to be. We are after all created to leave (yes, pun intended).

no "uNDo" buTTon

You are doing some minor image editing on your computer screen. There are times you would make some mistake by overcorrecting or undercorrecting something, so from time to time you’d click undo.

Generally, you are happy with how much the image has improved. But as you are about to be finished, your computer suddenly shuts down. You curse the power interruption. Then you curse some more as you realize that you haven’t saved the file!


There are things in life we cannot undo as easily and completely as we would with some computer files. A wrong turn, a hurtful word said to a loved one, a bad move — these we all commit as we walk our life’s journeys, no matter how careful we are in our steps. I guess our life’s mistakes are not like our pencil scrawls that can be effectively corrected with an eraser.. Once committed, we can no longer undo many of these mistakes..

there are daYs

There are days when you just want to scream your head off. Days when you can barely keep the overwhelming panic at bay. Days when you look at yourself in the mirror, confused and wondering " Whose life is this, anyway? " There are days that you just don't want to unfold into..!

SaD !

Its just sad when the best part of the day is when you sitting alone in the dark.. a lethargic insomniac.. just being paper cut by thoughts you dont even want to have.


Although, sometimes thats all your left with.. even though there are people around, you know talking aint going to suffice the emptiness of such a hollow emotion.


You walk on the path of nothingness, gazing in other people's lives of unappreciation and abuse.. you kind of forget about yourself, but then again you never did take yourself seriously. Its a steep drop to pain which you dont feel anyway. Everything you talk about and every person you meet doesnt really " fill in the blanks", just sort of deferring and skipping things you have got to take care of and accomplish, but we all knew that nothing was vivid enough to make sense of..
just like what you just read..!

:P

I am confused, why people are so weird now ? and by people i mean.. people who have marked their presence in my "portive" circle.. I do not know their reason. Did I make an unforgivable mistake before? If so, why don’t they explain it to me explicitly? Aren’t they too busy just to say it all ? Or… perhaps, it is only my suspicion.. still confused..!

There is something about this picture. Every time i look at it, it makes me smile. I can't help but wonder what are these 2 lil angels happy about. They don't seem to be living in the best of conditions. Unlike most grown ups kids don't over think things. I guess thats what makes childhood so amazing.

Its true when they say that happiness comes from within. If you have a positive outlook then even the worse situations don't seem so bad. Its how we look at it. In the end what matters is inner peace. Every time i have gone through a bad phase in life, its has just made me stronger as a person and wiser. I think the key lies in not wondering why it happened but learning from it and moving on ..!

musical life

The dissonance of our lives play through our own melodies, striking the wrong chords with the wrong choices. My dominant i chord is a seventh, breaking the laws of life and music. It sounds so horribly wrong, like everything else I do. My cadences are made with inversions, stressing the decisions I've made, that have become so weak. My only strong cadential point is that at the end of the piece, flowing, static, and erratically into my whole note that sustains and cuts off. My authentic cadence, so strong and final. The only right thing I've done in this piece, life. I title it "life". The melodic line gets lost in its own solo, behind all the movement of the other voices and instruments.

It's all retrogression, moving backwards, not forward.. My grading is horrible, with the red marks leaking from the page onto my wrists. More mistakes, with my weak chords and never returning to my tonic. What is my tonic, my tonal center has gone off. My key signature always lied. It was never in Major, for every sound I make is minor. Striking the sadness within, as usual. My harmonic analysis is so off. My rhythm doesn't fit, always too fast, always too slow.

I'm at the standstill, where my suspension doesn't stop, and my dissonance rings out in the night. It's the same as always. Every wrong tone, with my leaps and jumps, that sound so off. And yet in the end, the melody is sad and mournful, reflecting everything I was. A melody belongs to everyone, and I hope mine is happy, with a keynote that does not lie..!

aLL abouT choiCes and deCisionS

Do you believe every decision that you are going to make takes you to a different path each time? Every single choice that you have decided, makes you think you going for the certainty of life yet it is the uncertainty things you are unaware of behind that each “door” you choose upon? I find that is rather amusing to be sure of what you want when what you want could be the next thing you want to get rid of. It’s funny, isn’t it ? The irony of life itself. How much we really want to understand life and it’s complexity ? As simple minded as I am, I could not help and wonder why sometimes life can be THAT complicated. People throw questions at me, ‘Why do I have to see it that complicated ?' or ‘Why I need to see the negative side of life ?’ Do I really have a choice not to when each turn I make, I keep facing troubles. I do want my God to lead my life, yet it gets really harder each passing day. I believe my god will never give me something i cannot not handle, but at my most fragile moments, i know i could just slip away without a single soul knowing why.. So its like..what are the choices i am left with ? I tell myself someone else has worse luck than me. There are people poorer than me, suffer more than me, bla bla bla and the list goes on. But the real fact right now is that i don't care much how other people’s situation is. That idea only comforts me temporarily, really,i need to get back to my own reality.

How to deal with it ? I always try to look for a better way out but what if i am left with a few choices that trap me, that could only make situation worse ? What defines good choices and bad choices? What if what i thought is a good choice initially turns out to be a bad choice in the end ? Can i still hope the best out of it? I would say yes and no. Yes if i managed to get out of that perfectly fine, and no if i have to lose something precious to get away from that.

Is all left to merely prayers ? Hoping some kind of miracle happens? I seek miracles, and I know there is a beautiful angel out there to guide me during these life difficulties. I really don’t know what is the next thing that can happen to my life. I can only embrace it when it comes around. What is the best way to handle it ?

HypOtheTicaL quEstiOn..!

I'm agnostic, myself. I'm uncertain about the possibility of a higher power, but think it's possible something exists, whether it be benevolent, malevolent or apathetic with motives beyond our comprehension.

But, I would hypothetically change to any belief system if it had enough hard facts and evidence to back it up. ("Faith" doesn't count as it has nothing to do with fact.)

My question is how many "faithful" people could handle it truly, if say hypothetically, your particular brand of "God" were proven somehow to be false? Would you be emotionally prepared to handle or accept it? Don't ask how it was proven, as that's beside the point. Would your entire world shatter? Don't take this a a personal attack. It's just a hypothetical "IF scenario", asking how would you take it, or would you prefer not to listen to this "proof"?

feeling happy disgusts me..... well, no, i didn't word that correctly. when i'm happy, i trully am feeling happy. but whenever i end up picturing myself being happy afterwards, it disgusts me.

i don't trust people. i don't even trust many of people that i hang with quite yet. the fact that i'm like this doesn't get in my way socially, i think i blend in ok in the crowds and look just as sociable as others.

i fake myself like everybody else do, and i don't think there's anything wrong with it.

i don't trust them hense i don't always have to be truthful. with me, the less i know about you the more friendly i seem. the more you get to know me, the more apathetic i seem.

because it always feels weird and clumsy when i start to really like one of those. and i don't like that stage.

i only have significantly few people that i really trust, and i'm content with it...