the Chimera within ME..!

 I call it the lack of integrity and authenticity in my presented face to the world. I can say whatever i like about who i think i am or what i think i am about, But the truth is... i am only as much as what i think i want others to see. True integrity and authenticity in a person is rare. When you find a person who is consistently and authentically as they are 75 percent of the time... then hang on to them as a friend, partner, lover for as long as you can - you won't find more honesty elsewhere..! And what of this authenticity I speak of? Well What I feel is what I am.

When I am angry - you should know so! When I love you - you should know so! When I want to be alone, afraid, hungry, powerful, happy, you should know so as coherently as my being these things will attest. It isn't thinking one thing and doing another. It isn't wanting something and not admitting that you want it ! It's not being perfectly presentable in the guise of sycophancy for the gratuitous gratification of self desire. But... we all do this terrible thing! We all allow the chimera of deceit cloud our relationships with confusing messages of ambiguity. We tell "white lies", we tell large lies, we abhor violence and yet are drawn to it, we seek love when lust is our desire. We claim all manner of faith practice but we don't follow our own rules ! I carry this terrible thing. I will fight with it until my dying day. It's not that I want to or that I need to "accept" it as merely another side of my natural nature. I will never accept that I cannot be as authentic within as I am without.

All I ask is for you to forgive me when I stuff it up. We know we ALL do that..!

:-)