LettinG gO..!

If you expect to be disappointed, you'll never be disappointed. 

It seems that God is making me shed a lot of unconscious beliefs I have had about how life works. I HATE being disappointed so to avoid it at all possible costs, I actually MAKE myself be disappointed because that is so much easier than having hopes potentially dashed anyway. You can be entirely justified "right" in every thing you are sure of, if you bet on being disappointed and have it proven so. When things actually go "right" for you... it's a nice surprise but you can dismiss them as mere coincidences anyway. You don't really deserve nice things happening, that's just an illusion. Reality is much more dark and horrid than that.Disappointment is an easy deal. You just have to believe you don't deserve and/or won't get something in life and voila! You got it ! You can now be smug and self-righteous because you were RIGHT! Life IS massively unfair ! So there ! I can PROVE it ! The depths of my cynicism amaze even me at times. I have honestly and almost completely believed now that there is only Hope in the inevitable denial of wishes and dreams. If someone offered you chocolate but you believed they were trying to poison you, do you still take it? Think over it.. I may wish for beautiful things to happen to me but I don't take those wishes seriously or even act on them. My intentions are about being disabused of having the good stuff in life. 

*sigh* 

This is the stupid dichotomy inside of me in regards to Hope. I long for and wish for and think about having and wanting beautiful things to happen to me. Then I immediately set myself up for complete and absolute disappointment. I either deliberately set the bar too high into the realm of illusion and fantasy or I just simply believe its never going to happen to me ! 

I'm not a fighter, but I seem to be endlessly fighting with myself instead of just Letting Go of the fight within and going with whatever IS right now.My new purpose is to learn how to allow ALL possibilities, good and bad, love and abandonment, to happen if and when they will and keep joy and hope alive through any of them. 

 Life IS beautiful if you allow it to be so. The shitty stuff just reminds us what its worth.  

This is me. I am Jatin. Let Go and Let God!

the Chimera within ME..!

 I call it the lack of integrity and authenticity in my presented face to the world. I can say whatever i like about who i think i am or what i think i am about, But the truth is... i am only as much as what i think i want others to see. True integrity and authenticity in a person is rare. When you find a person who is consistently and authentically as they are 75 percent of the time... then hang on to them as a friend, partner, lover for as long as you can - you won't find more honesty elsewhere..! And what of this authenticity I speak of? Well What I feel is what I am.

When I am angry - you should know so! When I love you - you should know so! When I want to be alone, afraid, hungry, powerful, happy, you should know so as coherently as my being these things will attest. It isn't thinking one thing and doing another. It isn't wanting something and not admitting that you want it ! It's not being perfectly presentable in the guise of sycophancy for the gratuitous gratification of self desire. But... we all do this terrible thing! We all allow the chimera of deceit cloud our relationships with confusing messages of ambiguity. We tell "white lies", we tell large lies, we abhor violence and yet are drawn to it, we seek love when lust is our desire. We claim all manner of faith practice but we don't follow our own rules ! I carry this terrible thing. I will fight with it until my dying day. It's not that I want to or that I need to "accept" it as merely another side of my natural nature. I will never accept that I cannot be as authentic within as I am without.

All I ask is for you to forgive me when I stuff it up. We know we ALL do that..!

:-)

Friendships don’t last. Do they?

After all these years, I think I’ve seen almost everything that should or should not happen. People grow up, and most of the time, they grow apart. If you still manage to maintain fairly okay relationship with a friend of 7 years, give yourself a pat on the back. If you survive longer than that, please arrange for a dinner tomorrow night and celebrate it.

Despite the tension that was created from every little thing that had happened, I’ve always been a firm believer in our friendships. After all, We were the core gang. We were the first people to say hi in the new environment, etc etc.

It saddens me to see we are where we are today. Grown apart. awkward hi’s and bye’s, occasional exchange of words..

I just came to know what my “friend” is really upto. I was spectacularly dismayed. I was holding back whatever feelings i had at that moment to think. Anger? Sad? Disappointed? to think that we’ve been through so much together, to think that we used to be so close. What that friend said or did was really low. I hate to be stabbed at the back that way. We’re no longer in high school and I wished that friend of mine behaved like an adult and had the guts to accept his faults instead of badmouthing me in front of “unwanted people”.
And that, my friend, is unforgivable now.
For everything that you’ve done for me in the past, I thank you. But we are over now.

No doubt I shed a few tears because after all, I just lost a friend..

Ah, i guess I just look up to the heavens then. because there, right is right and wrong is wrong..!
:-)

I see life as a big puzzle board upon which pieces and clues of a difficult and unending riddle is scattered. In my attempt to solve this riddle, i look everywhere for clues — in the challenges that come my way, in the people that join me in my journey, in the roads i take. But the greatest clue, I think, is inside me.

The pieces of the puzzle are there, hidden in the contents of my heart and in the strength of my faith, for in this puzzle, I am an important piece, a significant clue, and an indispensable player, all rolled into one..!